Colin the Caterpillar Cake £7 Marks & Spencer “*Winner of the first Arnold Review Perfect 10 score*” I’m not a religious man, but holy shit, if this isn’t the closest to Heaven on Earth there is, then I don’t know nor care what is. If you’re not six years old, or have been living under a rock or an oppressive regime for the past handful of decades, then let me introduce you to Marks and Spencer’s Colin the Caterpillar Cake; a slab of the sweetest sensory delight that human kind can never t...

Harry Morgan - Restaurant & Delicatessen St. John's Wood, London A bank holiday stroll down the delightfully average St. John’s Wood high street led me to set my heart upon the supposedly famous Harry Morgan restaurant upon falling for the siren cries of my hungry stomach. An American diner-styled eatery located towards the end of a really boring main street for a really boring part of London. I opened the door and set foot into the last days on Earth. If I were blind, I’d have thought that t...

Clown House by Aslan Game Studio Free Windows/Mac (Reviewed on Mac)   I decided to trawl through Steam’s free-to-play sewers to unearth a hidden horror gem and to hopefully find an a light in the dark to Konami’s madness by their cancelling of Silent Hills by the legendary partnership of Hideo Kojima and visionary Guillermo del Toro. Clown House is what I found, and it will haunt me to the end of my days…because I wasted 9 minutes playing and reviewing it. After half a second after seeing the...

"It's like rehydrated powdered vomit, but not as nice"

Mug Shot by Symington's £0.60p All supermarkets, probably   After my awful time with Pot Noodle, I thought it not fair to tar every instant noodle dish with the same disgusting brush. So during a trip to my local Tesco’s, this particular Mug Shot burned deep into my retina with it’s orange packaging, surrounding itself in a haze sent from the gods above. Once home and using your standard modern cooking tools – a kettle – I ripped open the packet and was immediately punched in the face with th...

Primark – Men's fluffy slippers £4 Available in all Primark shops, probably Have you ever wanted to pad around your house with cats fastened to your feet but you’re too slow to catch those bastards? Well fret no more as for around a 10th the price of a catch alive cat trap, you can buy these Primark fluffy slippers – slippers that are designed for two things only: to keep your feet warm at home by being your indoor shoes, and to be completely forgettable when they’re on. These slippers get t...

"Had it not been my apartment, I would’ve hurled that bowl of undying sorrow through a window"

Uncle Ben's Rice Time (Sweet and Sour) £1.85 Available in most supermarkets   I’m buying groceries like every gentleman does, weaving around the shoe-dragging knuckleheads in my local Tesco Express as if I’m filming an escape scene from The Walking Dead when something catches my attention. Brightly packaged and placed directly in my eye line sat a row of Uncle Ben’s Rice Time pots; ‘Sweet & Sour’ the label read. I grabbed it ham-fistedly and snaked my way to the cashier whom I suspected was d...

Ultimate Wolf Simulator by Gluten Free Games £0.79p iOS & Android Have you ever woken up and decided ‘f*ck this, I wanna be a wolf!’ Well tough, you can’t. But you can pay actual money and buy this ultimate wolf simulator called Ultimate Wolf Simulator to fulfill your canine desires. On the app download screen, it tells me to, ‘experience the exciting life of one of the most intelligent and complex predators on planet Earth, the wild Wolf’. It also advised me that I should check out one of th...

Poundland - Hand Grabber (by Funtastic) £1.00 Highstreets of the United Kingdom For grabbing hands or a hand that grabs things, the Hand Grabber from Poundland is sure as shit not going to do any of that in a hurry. This bionic hand caught my attention from a distance when I bustled and heaved towards the toy section as the selection that surrounded it in the Jokes & Gags area wasn’t up to much; the usual fare of powdery Whoopee Cushions, black eye telescopes, disguised squirt guns, and other...

Philips Wake-up Light Alarm Clock Hf3520/01 Coloured Sunrise Simulation £130 (Prices may vary) High street and online As Icarus flew too close to the sun leading to his demise, I too skirt around the fiery face of a burning star every morning…albeit an electronic sun in the form of a Philips Wake-up Light. Plus if I constructed wings, they wouldn’t be made of wax because I’m not ridiculous.  … Getting up in the morning can be an absolute pain in the soul as we all know, and if you’re one of t...

Mcdonald's McRib £5.46-ish Limited time availability I hear the gleeful screams of the townsfolk, the jovial cries from the town crier, and the excited heel-clicking quick talk from the street urchins. I see the signals in the sky, I can feel it in the waters, and I can hear it whispered in the winds by Saruman himself.  The McDonald’s McRib is back. I’ve never had one of these McRib sandwiches before as I don’t really keep my ear on the ground when it comes to Ronald’s fine eatery; but nati...