"For reasons unknown, the Roborock treats loose wires like a stage. He spins on them. Twirls. Pirouettes. And then, inevitably, throws a tantrum. “The mop mount fell off,” he announces, half-ashamed, half-accusing, before pinging a notification to my phone like it’s my fault he got tangled in the first place."

I crouched down and unclipped the plastic top off of the vacuum mop. A sigh silently fell out from my chest as I watched dirty water gently pool around the unit—hair and grey drops of water quickly wiped away before I tugged the damp roller loose from its fitting. The surprisingly good Tineco FLOOR ONE S5 Extreme needed more care and attention than I often gave myself, but it has to be done else it’ll begin to grow mould. Much like myself, I thought, thinking I hadn’t showered for a few days....

"Once in place, the happy robot voice told me to start the self-cleaning mode. I thought, Why don’t you do it yourself? I couldn’t help but wonder how it’s smart enough to auto-detect suction and water levels at any given time, and even alert me when the tanks are full or empty, yet it can’t figure out when it needs a self-clean."

It's Sunday, the day when my partner and I are both home at the same time and the chosen day to clean our apartment only for us to work for the rest of the week, hardly be in it, and still have it turn into a mess. I'm stood there with an almost 10-year-old Dyson V8, with a replaced head and battery, kicking around a bucket and mop combo from room to room thinking to myself, I can send a picture of my ballbag to an AI and have it examine them for any abnormalities or write a sonnet about it, ...

"Here comes Nothing"

I've never been one to spend money and resources on buying the latest and greatest phone year after year with the only actual noticeable difference being the +1 they add to the model name, and I've never understood people queueing outside the Apple Store to get their device with 1000 million megapixel cameras and 400TB of RAM to just take pictures of themselves with their balls out in front of a dirty mirror. Guess I'm getting old... Anyway, I've rocked hand-me-down phones (iPhones and then ...

Dyson Supersonic Hair Dryer £299.99 Dyson.co.uk Can you imagine a world where deadly turbines are no longer easily accessible? A world where aviation fuel handlers won’t get sucked into jet engines when refueling, but instead pass straight through while quite often laughing with glee? Welcome to the future world of Dyson. [Dyson-Supersonic-Hair-Dryer2.jpg] I’ve already done a review on a hair dryer that purported to be ‘50% quieter’ than the next leading brand, when in fact it was 2% loude...

Philips Wake-up Light Alarm Clock Hf3520/01 Coloured Sunrise Simulation £130 (Prices may vary) High street and online As Icarus flew too close to the sun leading to his demise, I too skirt around the fiery face of a burning star every morning…albeit an electronic sun in the form of a Philips Wake-up Light. Plus if I constructed wings, they wouldn’t be made of wax because I’m not ridiculous.  … Getting up in the morning can be an absolute pain in the soul as we all know, and if you’re one of t...

"Now this was shipped from America, so either the hair dryers over there have the same decibel level as a glass moon crashing into a cymbal factory, or Revlon has deceived me"

Revlon QuietPro Hairdryer £20-ish   As I returned home from work one evening, a parcel lay at my doorstep. I open the door, scurry in, and shred the box open in wide-eyed excitement – I’m 9 again, and it’s Christmas… As I realised I hadn’t actually ordered anything, I see that it’s my other half’s new hair dryer – I’m 27 again, and I’m miserable… I glumly push the destroyed packaging and contents out of my reach when I see that it’s a hair dryer (another one) and on the box, it tells me that ...