Ultimate Wolf Simulator – IOS

A Review in Gaming - 13/07/2015

Ultimate Wolf Simulator by Gluten Free Games
iOS & Android

Have you ever woken up and decided ‘f*ck this, I wanna be a wolf!’ Well tough, you can’t. But you can pay actual money and buy this ultimate wolf simulator called Ultimate Wolf Simulator to fulfill your canine desires.

On the app download screen, it tells me to, ‘experience the exciting life of one of the most intelligent and complex predators on planet Earth, the wild Wolf’. It also advised me that I should check out one of their other sims, the Stray Dog Simulator’…One can imagine how heartbreakingly somber that game would be. Thanks but no thanks. Onwards to the wilderness!

Weighing in at a hefty 91.3 MB, this animal simulator boasts full ‘HD NEXT-GEN GRAPHICS’, according to the developer. Either I’ve woken up in the Nintendo 64 days or they’re somewhat overselling their product.

Can't tell if this is a documentrary or...

After an incredibly brief tutorial that left me more confused than I had ever been up to that point, I spent my time aimlessly sprinting around the world with the scenery popping up at various degrees of distance (with the graphical settings maxed out) scaring the shit out of me while I was trying to understand what was I doing with myself.

F*ck this, I thought to myself, I’m a predator. Time to hunt some noobs. After what seemed to be years of running around the crap world I finally spot something plodding about in the shit scenery and smash all the buttons on the right of my screen in excitement. Watching as my wolf howled, jumped, and jiggled around as if being tasered before completing it’s queue of commanded animations, my target had warped to lightspeed leaving nothing but a thin outline of where it once stood before I got flanked and murdered by another wolf and something that resembles a small boar. An odd alliance there.

Combat bored me to tears. I was still getting hit by my assailants when I had gone behind them for a sneaky backstab or when repositioning from a frontal jaw assault to a flanking kidney strike; nothing mattered. hit…dodge…hit…miss… You just stand there and press the attack button to see if you can damage your opponent a bit before your inevitable death. Nothing more, nothing less.

The controls were standard for a mobile action game setup. The usual fare of a crappy virtual thumbstick on the left and a frustratingly weird layout for the buttons on the right. I don’t recall being told which button does what in the tutorial but extensive research has led me to believe that 40% of them are pointless. One button is to howl. Okay, I get that this is meant to be the jewel in the crown of mobile wolf simulators and yes, wolves howl, but why take up prime screen real estate with a howl button. As far as I could figure out it did shit all. Replace that with a ‘growl’ button that intimidates foes and give them a -10% damage reduction or something, not a damn howl button.

“A gorgeous highly detailed new world will take your breath away! From the thick fur and piercing eyes of your wolves to the towering redwoods that looks so real you will forget you’re playing a game!”  – expert from Gluten Free Games’ website

I must admit, my breath was taken away…along with my money in a wolf-themed robbery. But with that kick in the balls, I did forget I was playing a game there was nothing in it that falls under the definition of ‘game’.
Much to my utter bafflement, this app has received (at the time of writing) a 4 out of 5 star rating from 42 reviews with people saying ‘So many people will love this game!’ and, ‘I love this game so much my eyes can not stop looking at this!!!!!’ The plane of reality which these people reside haunts me.

I'm sure there's more to this game under the thick veneer of crap, but I can't find the energy to give it a shot.

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