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Konditorei Kormuth - Bratislava

A Review in Cuisine - 07/06/2024

"Before I even had a chance to register what on planet Earth was going on, we were explained that there was a €13 minimum spend per head as if it was a backstreet all-you-can-eat shitbox."
Aligned with the over-priced tourist junk shops and the themed pubs about the ankle-cracking cobbled streets of Bratislava's beautiful Old Town, sat another tourist trap bedecked with old-timey portraits of what I'm assuming are of people who never existed, stained glass windows, and regally painted flourishes adoring every free space possible: the Konditorei Kormuth café. Perpetually swarmed with people leering through the window to marvel at the migraine-inducing interior and touted as a "...
Bisto - Curry Sauce Mix

A Review in Cuisine - 25/05/2024

"This Bisto curry sauce was like a corrupted memory of actual curry sauce"
Here, in my little dusty nook of this new and instantaneous world in a universe brimming with videos on demand, lightning-fast data access via the information superhighway, and instant copy-and-paste face upgrades, there has always been a sacred pocket of simplicity that only poked at the rapid future we steamrolled into - a time where only food preparation was instant. Coffee had been dried and crumbled down to a pitiful jar of mud-looking granules and sold as a convenience, gravy that would...
Nothing Phone (2) - Six month review

A Review in Technology - 05/03/2024

"Here comes Nothing"
I've never been one to spend money and resources on buying the latest and greatest phone year after year with the only actual noticeable difference being the +1 they add to the model name, and I've never understood people queueing outside the Apple Store to get their device with 1000 million megapixel cameras and 400TB of RAM to just take pictures of themselves with their balls out in front of a dirty mirror. Guess I'm getting old... Anyway, I've rocked hand-me-down phones (iPhones and then ...
Riverford - Organic Mince Pies (Authentic Bread Company)

A Review in Cuisine - 15/12/2023

"I could feel my day slipping away from me like the £6.25 I had spent on this box of dropped-looking turds"
Out of care for the earth and sheer laziness, I've been buying from Riverford Farms; an organic 'you get what we grow' seasonal-type fruit and veg box, and as the festive season began its boisterous entrance, Riverford announced they were selling mince pies that piqued my Christmas curiosity and got my taste buds ring ting tingling, too. It arrived in a simple box which visually spoke 'organic', 'good for the earth', and 'because of the other two points, I'm mightily expensive'. Flipping tha...
Tesco's 6 Merry Mince Pies

A Review in Cuisine - 04/12/2023

"The filling felt like the taste equivalent of an asterix at the end of a word; easily unnoticed"
For me, the Christmas season only starts when I procure boxes of mass-produced mince pies and eat myself into sheer insensibility, and right off the rip, this is a bad way to invite festive cheer into my life. Like every year, Tesco has a selection of mince pies going from the standard "Tesco Value" mince pies, up to the snooty Tesco's Finest range. I set aside my life of pure luxury in the name of festive science with the cheapest box available and upon employing an exiting walk like Scroog...
Crackd - The No-Egg Egg

A Review in Cuisine - 27/07/2023

"Perfect for scrambled egg stock photography"
I'm not usually influenced by anything, but as soon as I read a book or watch a cartoon about space, I suddenly and desperately want to become a space cowboy. What's better than turning your back on some small and easily resolved issue, then hopping into your spaceboat and sailing off to the other end of the galaxy? Certainly not the food you'd be eating on the way. Crackd - The No-Egg Egg most likely won't be the de facto egg substitute of future space rangers, because it sure-as-balls isn't...
Asteroid City (2023)

A Review in Film - 02/07/2023

"If you thought this movie was anything deeper than a small puddle, then I have a bridge to sell you"
Wes Anderson's newest pastel palette attack film, 'Asteroid City', has finally been released to the delight of self-adulating film auteurs. Teeming with Anderson's actor mainstays and introducing fresh faces who deliver lines with the same rapid, deadpan expressions, 'Asteroid City' treads the familiar path of Anderson's previous movie, 'The French Dispatch', by being worse than his last and exceeds it by being more Wes Anderson than ever. The film chronicles a televised production of a play...
Meatless Farm - Chickenless Roast

A Review in Cuisine - 14/02/2023

"It just tasted of, according to my notes at the time, 'eating the wrong air', which I can only unfold to be that it felt like something was really not right"
£4.50 Tesco Supermarket Like the cliché scene from a zombie film where the protagonist is forced into an infected-filled mega-mart to get supplies, I found myself sidestepping mindless patrons at my local Tesco for an avocado, and whilst soon looking for a place of respite to catch my breath and steel my fraying nerves, I found a quiet sanctuary. A seemingly unvisited and unloved place at the end of one of the supermarket's long and droning aisles, bereft of the hordes rushing the frozen piz...
Chado Tea Shop - Avo Toast & Istanbul No. 2 tea

A Review in Cuisine - 20/12/2022

"Looking like a small lost surfboard returning to shore along with the treasures and plantation of Atlantis placed atop"
Chado Tea Shop Cihangir, Istanbul Squirrelling my way around the "Camden of Istanbul", my other half told me about a perfectly lovely little tea shop. One that I simply had to visit due to my recently acquired interest in any tea other than the mundane English Breakfast tea I'm so accustomed to. So, whilst she had to jet off to a different country for work, I thought I'd head down the road from our Airbnb and kill some time before she came back. Open until late and serving light bites and ...
Aga Hamami - Turkish Hammam

A Review in Things to do - 19/12/2022

"After the initial scrub, cold water was thrown on me which felt amazingly renewing - possibly the only time I've enjoyed having cold water thrown on me without warning"
1100 Turkish Lira (around £50) per person Aga Hamami Beyoğlu, İstanbul, Turkey Situated in the hyper-bohemian Cihangir area of Istanbul where the street cats and dogs roam about as if they rule the place is the oldest Turkish hammam in the city (and I'm assuming because of that, the universe). Now, I had no idea what a hammam was nor did I know the difference between a Turkish bath, a Roman bath, a B&Q bath, the city of Bath, et Cetera. My levels of interest and curiosity we almost at an all...

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