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Eti Gold - Caramel Chocolate
"Looking like one of King Midas' test touches, the Eti Gold bar hummed the air with a sense of false opulence not too dissimilar to the "look, we too can bump gums with the upper-class" products like Nescafe Gold and every other shit with 'gold' added to their line"
Neat Burger – Chik’n Burger
"All of the marketing material on the walls lovingly stated how much your meal saves a planet’s worth of water by not watering cows or some shit, and how plant-based living is the best ever or something. I dunno, I didn’t properly read any of it"
Plant Kitchen – No Pork Streaky Bacon
Melrose And Morgan – Mince Pies
"Along with the same ten Christmas songs on repeat and the burning cold of a misty London day, mince pies start their ascension from the depths of our collective memory to adorn every inch of prime retail-shelving estate"
McDonald’s Signature Collection – The Classic
"The sensation I got was the same as tipping out the bulging contents of an airline sick bag into plastic bread and calling it lunch."
One Cut Of The Dead (2017)
Ryanair – Cheese & Ham Panini
"Nothing about this item fell within the parameters of a panini"
Tesco – Chicken And Black Bean Ready Meal
"The black bean sauce that congealed the meaty bits tasted like a rubbery, battery-powered car accident"
Super Mario Odyssey
"Super Mario Odyssey shows us why the often backward thinking folks at Nintendo are still the best game developers out there"
KFC – Double Down
"I picked up the war-torn looking slabs of possibly repurposed chicken and bit into it..."