Cuisine

I checked to make sure I wasn’t eating melted plastic and re-read the three cheeses mentioned on the front of the box on this four cheese pizza.

I could’ve chewed this without chewing.

Before I even had a chance to register what on planet Earth was going on, we were explained that there was a €13 minimum spend per head as if it was a backstreet all-you-can-eat shitbox.

This Bisto curry sauce was like a corrupted memory of actual curry sauce

I could feel my day slipping away from me like the £6.25 I had spent on this box of dropped-looking turds

The filling felt like the taste equivalent of an asterix at the end of a word; easily unnoticed

Perfect for scrambled egg stock photography

It just tasted of, according to my notes at the time, 'eating the wrong air', which I can only unfold to be that it felt like something was really not right

Looking like a small lost surfboard returning to shore along with the treasures and plantation of Atlantis placed atop

I had already lost my mind about the potential food combinations I could create. Cheese with honey? I am Greek royalty. Tomatoes dusted with exotic spices? I am a Mediterainnian millionaire. A doughnut with my coffee? I am an uncouth American.