Chicken & Leek Pie £11.95-ish Le Pain Quotidien restaurants   “One of those, my good sir!” I gleefully pointed to the chicken & leek pie on the paper menu at Le Pain Quotidien then leaned back in my chair with my hands now laced across my stomach. The nice waiter jotted down the table’s order and headed off to begin preparations while a content smile lifted my face as I looked out through the window. Nothing but a layer of glass stopping the bitter cold from aching my aging bones. My smile dr...

£11-ish St. John's Wood Popping up on the corner of the diabolically boring St John’s Wood highstreet is your run-of-the-mill healthy eating bullshit kind of place. Occupied with the occasional A-lister and twats in plaid shirts writing scripts (like the bellend in front of me), The Good Life Eatery is a magnet for creatives with Macs, stuck up vegans, and bored housewives that mindlessly stir their coffee and look out upon the middle distance wondering what would’ve been had they not just c...

With Elon Musk recently warning the human race about the impending doom of our species due to the unregulated rise of Artificial Intelligence, I thought I’d better bloody learn a thing or two about it to hopefully become an ambassador of sorts so as not to be chained to a wall and punched in the tummy day in and day out by our metal overlords. My research led me to this guy who has taken my idea of self-preservation to the next logical step (the robot overlords would love logical thinking lik...

Dir: Chris Moukarbel As someone who wasn’t interested in Lady Gaga before watching this heartfelt documentary, I had even less interest in her afterwards as this was nothing more than a 1 hour and 40m advert for her next phase shift into an Amy Winehouse-esque vibe which could only ever appeal to her current fans. The long advert gives us glimpses of her private life and shows her gearing up for a huge show. Between these vaguely pointless snippets of the girl behind Gaga and chord progressio...

"After sitting through this soul crunchingly shit movie, I had to seek religion to find a point because nothing in my life made sense anymore"

Hitman: Agent 47 2015 Dir: Aleksander Bach Mild spoilers. But lets be real, you aren’t gonna watch it. Landing hot and fresh onto Netflix is the mind-meltingly shit Hitman: Agent 47, based on the popular and critically received video game series Hitman by IO Interactive; and as Hollywood loves to do with well-established source material, bone it completely through the window. Fans of the game, of which I am one, will know that the character of the Hitman is a cold and calculated man, oftenti...

"Jennifer Lawrence stellar acting ability wasn't enough to save this movie"

mother! 2017 Dir: Darren Aronofsky Spoiler free When I heard Darren Aronofsky was making a movie called ‘mother!’, I shuddered and immediately assumed he was remaking/borrowing scenes and ideas from another Asian movie, Mother because he likes to do that. Thankfully not. Instead he gives us a movie written and directed by his good self, one that left me scratching my head with the simple question, ‘why the hell did I sit through that garbage?’ This is just one of those vanilla movies where t...

£20-ish Gatwick Airport, London Jamie Oliver is a byword for healthy eating and those 15 minute meal shows he has on TV which only ever use that one single song over and over again. So why was it that I just had a plate of pure human shit at one of his franchised restaurants? For the princely sum of £14.50, you can get a burger and fries of which you’d expect it to be fucking amazing considering it’s A: from a chain that Jamie bloody Oliver stuck his name on, and B: a stupid amount to pay f...

£11-12ish Dirty Burger and Chicken Shop (takeaway) A new eatery just opened up in my neighborhood and instead of taking the risk of going there to be wholly disappointed in a foreign atmosphere, I decided on using a popular application to order a meal and have it delivered nice and soggy to my front door to be disappointed in the comfort of my own home. 30 minutes or so after digitally paying a kings ransom for a simple chicken burger meal it had arrived, as expected, nice and soggy. I won’...

£2.50-ish All good supermarkets After cupboards full of grainy, earthy type, paper-bagged cereals taking up precious room and making me look like a farmer who possibly gives a shit, I decided that it was about high time for a proper, nutritious breakfast. Something with bags of sugar so I can run amok for an hour afterward and then slump in a corner, crashed out and useless for the rest of the day. So during my irregular trips to Tesco, I stopped and scanned the colourful part of the cereal...

15 Euros (Online booking price) Sagrada Família, Barcelona Jutting out of the Spanish sky like a blind child’s attempt at a Lego and popsicle stick tower covered in melted wax is the famed Sagrada Família. Located in Barcelona the Basílica i Temple Expiatori de la Sagrada Família Templo Expiatorio de la Sagrada Familia Basilica and Expiatory Church of the Holy Family is a masterpiece in biting off more than you can chew. Still incomplete and with cranes stationed around, presumably for show ...