Clown House by Aslan Game Studio Free Windows/Mac (Reviewed on Mac)   I decided to trawl through Steam’s free-to-play sewers to unearth a hidden horror gem and to hopefully find an a light in the dark to Konami’s madness by their cancelling of Silent Hills by the legendary partnership of Hideo Kojima and visionary Guillermo del Toro. Clown House is what I found, and it will haunt me to the end of my days…because I wasted 9 minutes playing and reviewing it. After half a second after seeing the...

"It's like rehydrated powdered vomit, but not as nice"

Mug Shot by Symington's £0.60p All supermarkets, probably   After my awful time with Pot Noodle, I thought it not fair to tar every instant noodle dish with the same disgusting brush. So during a trip to my local Tesco’s, this particular Mug Shot burned deep into my retina with it’s orange packaging, surrounding itself in a haze sent from the gods above. Once home and using your standard modern cooking tools – a kettle – I ripped open the packet and was immediately punched in the face with th...

Primark – Men's fluffy slippers £4 Available in all Primark shops, probably Have you ever wanted to pad around your house with cats fastened to your feet but you’re too slow to catch those bastards? Well fret no more as for around a 10th the price of a catch alive cat trap, you can buy these Primark fluffy slippers – slippers that are designed for two things only: to keep your feet warm at home by being your indoor shoes, and to be completely forgettable when they’re on. These slippers get t...

"Had it not been my apartment, I would’ve hurled that bowl of undying sorrow through a window"

Uncle Ben's Rice Time (Sweet and Sour) £1.85 Available in most supermarkets   I’m buying groceries like every gentleman does, weaving around the shoe dragging knuckleheads in my local Tesco Express as if I’m filming an escape scene from The Walking Dead when something catches my attention. Brightly packaged and placed directly in my eye line sat a row of Uncle Ben’s Rice Time pots; ‘Sweet & Sour’ the label read. I grabbed it ham-fistedly and snaked my way to the cashier whom I suspected was d...

Ultimate Wolf Simulator by Gluten Free Games £0.79p iOS & Android Have you ever woken up and decided ‘f*ck this, I wanna be a wolf!’ Well tough, you can’t. But you can pay actual money and buy this ultimate wolf simulator called Ultimate Wolf Simulator to fulfil your canine desires. On the app download screen it tells me to, ‘experience the exciting life of one of the most intelligent and complex predators on planet Earth, the wild Wolf’. It also advised me that I should check out one of thei...

Poundland - Hand Grabber (by Funtastic) £1.00 Highstreets of the United Kingdom For grabbing hands or a hand that grabs things, the Hand Grabber from Poundland  is sure as shit not going to do any of that in a hurry. This bionic hand caught my attention from a distance when I bustled and heaved towards the toy section as the selection that surrounded it in the Jokes & Gags area wasn’t up to much; the usual fare of powdery Whoopee Cushions, black eye telescopes, disguised squirt guns, and othe...

Philips Wake-up Light Alarm Clock Hf3520/01 Coloured Sunrise Simulation £130 (Prices may vary) High street and online As Icarus flew too close to the sun leading to his demise, I too skirt around the fiery face of a burning star every morning…albeit an electronic sun in the form of a Philips Wake-up Light. Plus if I constructed wings, they wouldn’t be made of wax because I’m not ridiculous.  … Getting up in the morning can be an absolute pain in the soul as we all know, and if you’re one of t...

Mcdonald's McRib £5.46-ish Limited time availability I hear the gleeful screams of the townsfolk, the jovial cries from the town crier, and the excited heel-clicking quick talk from the street urchins. I see the signals in the sky, I can feel it in the waters, and I can hear it whispered in the winds by Saruman himself.  The McDonald’s McRib is back. I’ve never had one of these McRib sandwiches before as I don’t really keep my ear on the ground when it comes to Ronald’s fine eatery; but nati...

"Now this was shipped from America, so either the hair dryers over there have the same decibel level as a glass moon crashing into a cymbal factory, or Revlon has deceived me"

Revlon QuietPro Hairdryer £20-ish   As I return home from work one evening, a parcel lay at my doorstep. I open the door, scurry in, and shred the box open in wide-eyed excitement – I’m 9 again, and it’s Christmas… As I realised I hadn’t actually ordered anything, I see that it’s my other half’s new hair dryer – I’m 27 again, and I’m miserable… I glumly push the destroyed packaging and contents out of my reach when I see that it’s a hair dryer (another one) and on the box it tell me that it’s...

Chicken Cottage Most Highstreets The Restaurant: I was dragging myself to a connecting bus journey after a long and stressful day at work (where I hadn’t eaten lunch as I had too much important shit to do) when I chanced upon a fast food outlet as I struggled down the street, weighed down by the body-stopping hunger that writhed through me. Awesome! I thought as I stepped inside to be greeted by a warm, familiar, and almost spicy smell. Unfortunately, the queue for KFC was too big and there w...