Starbucks – Caramel Apple Spice

A Review in Cuisine - 26/02/2017

Everywhere, NYC

One of the best things about globetrotting is popping into familiar establishments and discovering the weird and different shit they have for that region. For example in South East Asia, McDonald’s have the McSpaghetti meal which is basically slop for when you’re so hungover, your mind and body are residing on different planes of reality. Where I’m from, we get the McViolence, McDrugDeal, and the family favorite, McUnprovokedAcidAttack.

Anyway, this review is about Starbucks’ Caramel Apple Spice. I parked myself in one of the trillions of Starbucks coffee houses situated on every street in New York and scanned through the menu, filtering out the usual crap of flat whites, cappuccinos, and lattes. My end selection was a handful of drinks both hot and cold, and as the wind cut through me like iced razor blades I opted for the titular drink.

Yellow cabs whizzed by and busy people wore out the leather on their soles as I sat by the window and stared out to city life. I took off the warm lid from my paper cup and took a sip. Instantly my eyes bulged almost completely out from my head as the flavour punched me right in the dick with a sickening strike. The taste was if someone had kidnapped an apple pie, hung it upside down on meat hooks, and drained its fluids into a bowl made of an incredibly bitter metal.
It was a super watery beverage. The fluidity of the drink was within a region I like to call, ‘ultra-rapid turbo water.’ I’ve never seen a liquid so fluid in my life and fear I never will see anything quite like it again.

I had to take my time with this drink as it was something I couldn’t fully understand. I’m sure I didn’t like it, but I was also sure I didn’t hate it. I let it cool down as I pondered on this dilemma. My reviews on this site are very black and white – either I love the product or despise it. Not many fall in the ‘not bad’ category, although I’m thinking of widening my review scope from here on out.

I got back to my drink after a few minutes of playing on my Nintendo 3DS and noticed that the whipped cream that blanketed the main juice of the drink had sunk and solidified into a small archipelago floating on a sea of hot apple crumble super water. It was at this point that I was fully repulsed by the drink and slammed the rest into the bin. There’s no black and white for this review. Maybe I had tried to romanticize the drink being in the Big Apple and all, but no matter which way I looked at the Caramel Apple Spice, it really was shit.

I'm getting a lot of complaints regarding how I scored this. Here's a simpler version: fuck you, it's 1 out of 10.