Chupa Chups – Mini Candy Pizza

A Review in Cuisine - 25/09/2016

I love candy and I love pizza. So a pizza constructed out of candy should, in theory, blow my mind to fragments only for it reconstruct itself but within a new universe formed of nothing but ecstasy. Oh how wrong I was. The warhammer of disappointment swung high and heavy before crushing me out of existence, and so I find myself writing an entry to my site.

The little pizza boxes stood out from the crowd of regular packaged sweets and candies hanging on the wall, but only to lure suckers like myself and the 6-year-old boy in front of me to spend money on it. But hey, it’s a novelty item and who the hell knows when Poundland will have them in stock again – not that I give two shits as this thing was disgusting.

Opening the mini pizza box had that familiar sensation to opening the real thing, but instead of being greeted by that warm pizza smell we all expect, I was abused by a shiny, plastic-wrapped disc of shit-looking sweets. That face-curling smell of synthetic banana flavoring seeped out from the wrapping and filtered its way through my soul, causing everything it came into contact with to be a few degrees colder. If we landed a manned craft on the moon and returned everyone safely back to Earth all those decades ago, then we can surely get the taste of a banana right, no?

They’ve stored nuclear waste easier than this.
I ripped open the thick plastic wrap and was greeted by another protective layer – this time a vacuumed seal. I must admit, for a single Pound coin, I received a hefty amount of trash that I now have to deal with, and that also includes all of the ‘sweets’. Once I literally stabbed my way past all of the security checkpoints, it was about high time to try the unlovingly arranged picture of puke.

I might come across as rather bitter and angry about most things, and that’s because I am – deal with it. But this is why I appreciate sugar and my dentist appreciates my appreciation. As for this candy pizza, I’ve never had to spit out and slam the rest of a purportedly ‘candy’ product into a bin so aggressively before.
The smell it pulsed out was a mix of that acidic, mechanical banana, coupled with damp plastic, and sprinkled with fairground-vomit sawdust. And it tasted of ears.

I thought Chupa Chups was supposed to be a brand you could trust for your sugary goods. After living through the horror that this box of bollocks put me through, I shall never set foot near anything these guys make, again.

Like chewing a boiled ear after it has been dipped in battery acid