Original Source – Sweet Apple & Vanilla Shower Milk

A Review in Health & Beauty - 01/12/2016

All good supermarkets

Original Source shower gel is the reason why I started this website many years ago and I still struggle with the memories of that experience to this day. So when I entered the bathroom with the idea of taking a normal shower, you can imagine the crashing look I had on my face when my eyes landed upon this pink bottle of mystery.

I tentatively picked up the bottle and studied the text on the front. The title read Sweet Apple and Vanilla Milk, which is ‘shower milk’. I have a few issues with this already;

Things you can milk – mammals, injuries, illnesses.

Things you can’t milk – apples (sweet or otherwise), vanilla, showers.

I’m not saying I’m a professional on the subject of what you can and can’t milk, but I don’t think I’m too ill-informed when it comes to the act of milking something*.

*I’ve never tried to milk a shower, and apple (sweet or otherwise), nor vanilla, so apologies if this can be done.

Underneath the brand name, the text says ‘100% natural fragrance’. I’m not sure at what percentage the bevy of chemicals listed in the ingredients is deemed as ‘100% natural fragrance’, but surely mixing synthetic chemicals to create a damp, shitting pig smell is still natural, because it naturally happened when mixing said chemicals.

Inside the factory, courtesy of Ghostbusters 2

After learning that this ‘shower milk’ is suitable for Vegans (yum, spread that shit on an avocado), I read the ingredients, expecting to see familiar and wholesome words like ‘bread’ or whatever Vegans eat. Instead, I was stood there with my eyes frantically scanning each word as if I were trying to decipher a long-forgotten, ancient text that would stop an impending meteor strike.


  • Aqua
  • Sodium Laureth Sulfate
  • Sodium Laureth Sulfate is an irritant but has been proven to not change your DNA… – Well that’s a relief

  • Sodium Chloride

  • Cocamidopropyl Betaine
  • …some studies indicate it is an allergen
  • …a controlled pilot study has found that these cases may represent irritant reactions

  • Glycerin
  • Glycerol can be used as a laxative when introduced into the rectum 

  • Polyquaternium-7
  • Polyquaternium 7 as a low hazard ingredient – the word hazard doesn’t alleviate my concerns.

  • Sodium Benzoate
  • Sodium benzoate is designated as generally recognized as safe – Generally…

  • Tetrasodium Glutamate Diacetate
  • Parfum
  • Pyrus Malus (Apple) Fruit Extract
  • Vanilla Planifolia (Vanilla) Fruit Extract

  • Potassium Sorbate
  • studies have shown that it is both genotoxic and mutagenic to human blood cells – It basically is that pink stuff from Ghostbusters 2.

  • Propylene Glycol Dicaprylate/Dicaprate
  • Propylene Glycol Dicaprylate/Dicaprate is a moderate hazard ingredient.
  • However, Propylene Glycol Dicaprylate/Dicaprate is considered a penetration enhancer and may enhance the skin penetration of other chemicals. Users should exercise caution when using products and formulas that contain this ingredient when combined with other ingredients. – So why is this being mixed will all sorts of other shit?

  • Xanthan Gum
  • Xanthan gum is a “highly efficient laxative,” – lets face it, we’ve all eaten a bit of shower gel because it smells like it’ll taste nice. Still, the best place to eat this would be in the bathroom, so go nuts.

  • Styrene/Acrylates Copolymer
  • Styrene/Acrylates Copolymer is listed as a moderate hazard ingredient. It is, however, “Considered safe based on assumption of low absorption.” – Those quote marks make me feel “safe.”

  • C11-15 Pareth-7
  • C11-15 Pareth-40
  • Benzotriazolyl Dodecyl p-Cresol
  • Lactic Acid
  • CI 16035
  • CI 19140


I applied a generous amount of this DNA-changing cocktail of hazardous materials onto my hand and applied onto my body in a normal fashion. After a while of trying to get this shitty pink mucus to do something other than just slide right off and escape down the drain, I finally managed to lather some onto my arms by slapping it onto the skin, lightly damaging myself. I couldn’t enjoy the ‘100% natural fragrance’ because it dissipated the second it left the bottle, still, fuelled on by the thought of mutating into a superhero thus meaning I wouldn’t have to get a normal job, I rinsed the slimy, scentless, pointless, product from my arms and dried off.

On a scale of 1-10, the moisturizing aspect of this product falls somewhere in the minus 40 area. I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt though as gently grazing the skin and then warp-boosting to the floor of the shower only gives it a few nanoseconds of contact time between the two. It’s only a micro-step up from opening the bottle and pouring it down the sink, and the 100% natural fragrance that they felt the need to indicate was like a dying memory enveloped by misremembered retellings to a room full of people you need to impress for that promotion – did it really happen? Was it really ever truly there?

All in all, using this stuff was a whole life’s worth of pain easier than the first Original Source I tried, yet I still left the experience with a dull ache of un-moisturized and fragrant-free sadness.

I left the experience with a dull ache of un-moisturized and fragrant-free sadness.

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