A new eatery just opened up in my neighborhood and instead of taking the risk of going there to be wholly disappointed in a foreign atmosphere, I decided on using a popular application to order a meal and have it delivered nice and soggy to my front door to be disappointed in the comfort of my own home.

30 minutes or so after digitally paying a kings ransom for a simple chicken burger meal it had arrived, as expected, nice and soggy. I won’t deduct points for that as nothing meal-wise that’s ever delivered reflects how the restaurant intends it to be.
I unwrapped the chicken burger and laid the fries on the unfurled paper ready to investigate what I had in store. If the fries weren’t McCain’s Crinkle Cut Chips, then I’m Mickey Mouse – and to fuck me off even more, having the honor of receiving this insult for the price Dirty Burger and Chicken Shop charged me for a single portion, I could’ve bought two and a half bags of McCain’s Crinkle Cut Chips from Waitrose. £4.50p for several sticks of potato’d shit.

I thought that maybe I’d get my money’s worth from the chicken burger. I was wrong. If I had paid 99p for this burger from some shitbox fried chicken pit in the ass-end of nowhere, I’d be angry – nothing about this burger stood out from the countless chicken shops that litter the streets between betting shops and off-licenses up and down the nation. It was at this point that I was feeling those weighty anchors of being fucked over slowly drag me to the seabed of utter misery, and I was running out of oxygen.

I tore open the sachet of Chicken Shop Smokey Sauce that came bundled with this package of crap and did a raw taste test before decided on whether or not it could redeem the evening. Sadly, it seemed to be just watered down Tabasco with a hint of synthetic lemon. Eating lemons would’ve made me less sour that I was at this point.

I ate the whole lot to ward off starvation and death clawing at my door, threw away the receipt, rubbish, and anything else that reminded me that I once had £12 more than I did then and waited for a new day to dawn.