Dir: Chris Moukarbel

As someone who wasn’t interested in Lady Gaga before watching this heartfelt documentary, I had even less interest in her afterwards as this was nothing more than a 1 hour and 40m advert for her next phase shift into an Amy Winehouse-esque vibe which could only ever appeal to her current fans.

The long advert gives us glimpses of her private life and shows her gearing up for a huge show. Between these vaguely pointless snippets of the girl behind Gaga and chord progressions straight from a remedial music class for slow children, we see her sit about and spout out bullshit nonsense about nonsensical bullshit while those she surrounds herself with nod earnestly like they care. Nobody seemed to have a differing opinion on whatever non-work topic they were chatting about, and while at work everyone was treading on eggshells so as not to annoy her.

But it’s commendable how much passion she puts in a project; we see her scrutinise even the smallest of details when she’s at work to make everything smooth as butter on the day, which is an ocean’s-worth more than other artists of her status care to do. Alas, this is something I wished the filmmaker would’ve emulated as the long advert was just random shots of incompetently unstable footage trying to find focus as if he sellotaped a non-HD Argos special offer camera to a running cement mixer filled with bowling balls and kicked it around the room.

Cool and hip celebs pop up every now and then to sprinkle a bit more glitter in this really pointless mess. Mark Ronson comes across as a wet paper douchebag by being himself and Zane Lowe makes a brief appearance to remind me how much I can’t stand that over inflated ball bag. Florence, of Florence and the Machine fame, gormlessly stands about looking awkward and acting like she’s everyone’s best friend in the most try-hard way possible when she’s not being out-sung by Gaga during a recording session. They say Hell is being trapped in an elevator with your friends; to me, Hell is having to sit in a coffee shop near these twats for five minutes.

One part of the long advert stood out and annoyed me more than the rest. Gaga took a phone call in the middle of a meeting to get an update on one of her employees who was giving personal news on a brain scan regarding cancer. We only know this because Gaga phrases her questions of concern by mentioning ‘brain scan’ and ‘cancer’ nice and loud for the camera. She becomes visibly upset just before the camera cuts. It picks up again almost immediately after only this time the phone is on speaker, Keeping Up With The Kardashians style.

All in all, Gaga: Five Foot Two is a rather self indulgent documentary, which is understandable as Gaga produced it, in which she comes across as a cool dude sadly surrounded by idiots worried about her fragile nature. Someone needs to shout obscene things down her face and then head out for a casino brawl, that’ll rid her of anxiety and everything that ails her if only for a moment.