Crackd - The No-Egg Egg

A Review in Cuisine - 27/07/2023

  • £3.00
  • Tesco supermarkets
  • Nationwide probably
I'm not usually influenced by anything, but as soon as I read a book or watch a cartoon about space, I suddenly and desperately want to become a space cowboy. What's better than turning your back on some small and easily resolved issue, then hopping into your spaceboat and sailing off to the other end of the galaxy? Certainly not the food you'd be eating on the way. Crackd - The No-Egg Egg most likely won't be the de facto egg substitute of future space rangers, because it sure-as-balls isn't going to be replacing anything here on Earth right now.


Pouring out of the space-age plastic bottle like some sort of by-product from the asteroid mining industry, it glooped across the hot pan like a heavy-oil leak in an interstellar frigate engine bay and the smell that accompanied it was like a freshly painted star cruiser haunting a large area at a great distance, such as a spaceship hanger if you will.

As I stood in my kitchen watching this slop gently bubble up, the image of the ethereal beauty of the cosmos, with its celestial ballet of colours that spans across unfathomable distances slowly travelled beyond even my wildest of wishes. The contrast between the imagined breathtaking vistas of space and the humdrumness of this No Egg Egg was a chasm I could not ignore - a gaping hole dividing the two star-crossed sides, and a gaping hole in my heart.

Like a boiled face

I lightly seasoned the mixture with a pinch of salt and a crack of pepper and scrambled it as if I were making real eggs, it would be like comparing a genuine Rolex in a laboratory against a fake under a railway bridge at night, so I was levelling the playing field. With nothing else to do, I'd tumbled the yellow slime onto an awaiting slice of buttered toast and cautiously, I began to eat.

Emergency flavour on the side

The texture and taste were like a boiled thickening agent, devoid of all flavour like the nothingness of deep space and it left behind a back-of-the-throat residue that you might get after breathing in chemical fumes which only grew to eventually defeat me. In no universe would this ever convince anyone it's an egg replacement on its own. It can pass as 'budget hotel eggs' but only in texture when eaten with other, stronger ingredients, such as cheddar cheese. However, any scrambled egg stock image photographers can rejoice, as this would be the perfect replacement for that.


No No-Egg Egg, thanks