All reviews

Ryanair – Cheese & Ham Panini

A Review in Cuisine - 10/05/2018

"Nothing about this item fell within the parameters of a panini"
1
“€5.50 Ryanair” Ascending on a Ryanair flight above the comically Victorian smog that layered London, I found myself to be peckish for something to eat . I pulled out the grease-riddled in-flight literature from the dirty seat pocket in front and soon found the crumpled pages advertising the on-board menu. Scab-looking potato chips, coffee that looked to be stagnant water scooped from a dying puddle, and a selection of sandwiches; I opted for the cheese & ham panini. [Screen-Shot-2018-05-...
Tesco – Chicken And Black Bean Ready Meal

A Review in Cuisine - 08/01/2018

"The black bean sauce that congealed the meaty bits tasted like a rubbery, battery-powered car accident"
2
“£2.50 (or two for £4) Tesco” We all walk past the fridge full of ready meals in Tesco and peer in to see what's up, but nobody is desperate enough to actually ever open the door and purchase one. Well, I am; plus I wanted to understand the treasures contained within the seldom-opened ice chamber surrounded by its muggy forcefield of misery. The first thing I noticed upon closer inspection was the heft which was largely in part due to the riot shielding they used for a lid. It took me a goo...
Super Mario Odyssey

A Review in Gaming - 20/11/2017

"Super Mario Odyssey shows us why the often backward thinking folks at Nintendo are still the best game developers out there"
10
“£49.99-ish Nintendo Switch” Haters gonna hate but Nintendo have somehow managed to stunningly get their shit together this year. Nintendo is now locked in a battle with themselves for Game Of The Year between their first-party games, The Legend Of Zelda: Breath Of The Wild and their latest title Super Mario Odyssey; quite a feat considering their latest console the Switch is only around 9 months old and had to wade through a barrage of negativity from nay-sayers. Super Mario Odyssey show...
KFC – Double Down

A Review in Cuisine - 14/11/2017

"I picked up the war-torn looking slabs of possibly repurposed chicken and bit into it..."
2
“£5.79-ish Select KFC restaurants (UK)” The biting winds cut into my skin like frozen razor blades as I dragged my feet one in front of the other down Baker Street. Tourists dot the pavement with their expensive cameras looking for any and all Sherlock Holmes inspired signs to take back with them and show their family and friends; a picture of something about someone who didn’t exist, a red bus, a London phone booth. I swung a left and pushed open an oily door to the finest fried chicken e...
Le Pain Quotidien – Chicken & Leek Pie

A Review in Cuisine - 08/11/2017

1
Chicken & Leek Pie £11.95-ish Le Pain Quotidien restaurants   “One of those, my good sir!” I gleefully pointed to the chicken & leek pie on the paper menu at Le Pain Quotidien then leaned back in my chair with my hands now laced across my stomach. The nice waiter jotted down the table’s order and headed off to begin preparations while a content smile lifted my face as I looked out through the window. Nothing but a layer of glass stopping the bitter cold from aching my aging bones. My smile dr...
The Good Life Eatery – Sunset Club Sandwich

A Review in Cuisine - 06/11/2017

1
£11-ish St. John's Wood Popping up on the corner of the diabolically boring St John’s Wood highstreet is your run-of-the-mill healthy eating bullshit kind of place. Occupied with the occasional A-lister and twats in plaid shirts writing scripts (like the bellend in front of me), The Good Life Eatery is a magnet for creatives with Macs, stuck up vegans, and bored housewives that mindlessly stir their coffee and look out upon the middle distance wondering what would’ve been had they not just c...
The Robot Song – Friendliest Friends

A Review in The Internet - 06/11/2017

1
With Elon Musk recently warning the human race about the impending doom of our species due to the unregulated rise of Artificial Intelligence, I thought I’d better bloody learn a thing or two about it to hopefully become an ambassador of sorts so as not to be chained to a wall and punched in the tummy day in and day out by our metal overlords. My research led me to this guy who has taken my idea of self-preservation to the next logical step (the robot overlords would love logical thinking lik...
Gaga: Five Foot Two (2017)

A Review in Film - 28/09/2017

1
Dir: Chris Moukarbel As someone who wasn’t interested in Lady Gaga before watching this heartfelt documentary, I had even less interest in her afterwards as this was nothing more than a 1 hour and 40m advert for her next phase shift into an Amy Winehouse-esque vibe which could only ever appeal to her current fans. The long advert gives us glimpses of her private life and shows her gearing up for a huge show. Between these vaguely pointless snippets of the girl behind Gaga and chord progressio...
Hitman: Agent 47 (2015)

A Review in Film - 26/09/2017

"After sitting through this soul crunchingly shit movie, I had to seek religion to find a point because nothing in my life made sense anymore"
1
Hitman: Agent 47 2015 Dir: Aleksander Bach Mild spoilers. But lets be real, you aren’t gonna watch it. Landing hot and fresh onto Netflix is the mind-meltingly shit Hitman: Agent 47, based on the popular and critically received video game series Hitman by IO Interactive; and as Hollywood loves to do with well-established source material, bone it completely through the window. Fans of the game, of which I am one, will know that the character of the Hitman is a cold and calculated man, oftenti...
Mother! (2017)

A Review in Film - 18/09/2017

"Jennifer Lawrence stellar acting ability wasn't enough to save this movie"
2
mother! 2017 Dir: Darren Aronofsky Spoiler free When I heard Darren Aronofsky was making a movie called ‘mother!’, I shuddered and immediately assumed he was remaking/borrowing scenes and ideas from another Asian movie, Mother because he likes to do that. Thankfully not. Instead he gives us a movie written and directed by his good self, one that left me scratching my head with the simple question, ‘why the hell did I sit through that garbage?’ This is just one of those vanilla movies where t...