"Adding more grey to the flavour of grey"

£5.75 All good Pret locations After a mundane morning of slowly tapping on a laptop keyboard and calling it 'work', I had built up quite a monstrous appetite - one befitting of someone who really puts the hard graft in, and because of where the lifeless, blue-tinged, hospital-lit and cold boxed shit-of-a-room they call an office is located, only a Pret looms nearby ready to force people in looking for a quick lunch. I forwent my usual Pret fare of the posh cheese and pickle baguette thing a...

"If cutting open a poached egg is like cutting open a baseball, you're probably in a place that sells tinned chicken"

€9.50 Barcelona Around a 23-minute walk away from the hustle and bustle of the tourist funnel that is Las Ramblas, Barcelona, sits a corner-cafe serving brunch to the locals. Luckily, it's too far away from the main areas, so any globetrotters that make it all that way are there for a reason and not just dropping in because there's a queue at Burger King. And speaking about dropping in, surely a party of three can drop into a hot brunch zone at peak brunch time on a Saturday without a reserv...

"Looking like one of King Midas' test touches, the Eti Gold bar hummed the air with a sense of false opulence not too dissimilar to the "look, we too can bump gums with the upper-class" products like Nescafe Gold and every other shit with 'gold' added to their line"

“Looking like one of King Midas' test touches, the Eti Gold bar hummed the air with a sense of false opulence not too dissimilar to the "look, we too can bump gums with the upper-class" products like Nescafe Gold and every other shit with 'gold' added to their line. Rose gold...there's another.” The hills of Istanbul steepen forever upwards. Cars parked wholly on the sidewalks surrounded by cats and dogs, and carts selling freshly-squeezed juice of pomegranate or orange. The roads are the o...

"All of the marketing material on the walls lovingly stated how much your meal saves a planet’s worth of water by not watering cows or some shit, and how plant-based living is the best ever or something. I dunno, I didn’t properly read any of it"

Neat Burger, London £8.99 - burger only (£1.50 for extra cheese) A while ago I decided to better myself and join the only elite club I’d ever be able to get into and became a vegetarian. Not quite the to the lofty heights of being a vegan card-holder as I’d rather inhale the takeoff blast from a rocket destined for deep space. The switch to ‘not being good enough to be a vegan’ was surprisingly easy considering I couldn’t class a meal as an actual meal unless it had some form of meaty protei...

Marks & Spencer £3 Vegetarians will tell you (usually when asked, not bleating on and on spoiling pure silence like vegans) that they made the switch to a plant-based lifestyle because they don’t want to be a part of the suffering of animals and the destruction planet and yada-yada. Yet they’ll snuffle about looking for a meat substitute that looks and tastes exactly like meat, and if their vegetarian burger doesn’t taste exactly like a meat burger they’ll throw it back on the plate and decl...

"Along with the same ten Christmas songs on repeat and the burning cold of a misty London day, mince pies start their ascension from the depths of our collective memory to adorn every inch of prime retail-shelving estate"

£12.99 from Selfridges, London The Christmas season is upon us once again making us wonder where the hell the rest of the year went as we emerge from a second national lockdown, shielding our malnourished eyes from the dazzle of fairy lights and seasonal Xmas glitter – because if the birth of Christ himself has taught us anything, the man loved a party and loved his tinsel. Along with the same ten Christmas songs on repeat and the burning cold of a misty London day, mince pies start their as...

"The sensation I got was the same as tipping out the bulging contents of an airline sick bag into plastic bread and calling it lunch."

“£6.19 McDonald's Signature Collection - The Classic” After paying actual money to wipe down a table and stool dashed with stale Coke and push a small hill of previous diners’ trash out of the way,  I flipped open a box containing the new Signature Collection Classic burger from Mcdonald’s. Enough of the traditional Big Mac or Quarter Pounder, it was time to push the boat out into the silky sea of fine dining. Within, the objet de curiosité came packaged in a paper sleeve invoking ideas of ...

"Nothing about this item fell within the parameters of a panini"

“€5.50 Ryanair” Ascending on a Ryanair flight above the comically Victorian smog that layered London, I found myself to be peckish for something to eat . I pulled out the grease-riddled in-flight literature from the dirty seat pocket in front and soon found the crumpled pages advertising the on-board menu. Scab-looking potato chips, coffee that looked to be stagnant water scooped from a dying puddle, and a selection of sandwiches; I opted for the cheese & ham panini. [Screen-Shot-2018-05-...

"The black bean sauce that congealed the meaty bits tasted like a rubbery, battery-powered car accident"

“£2.50 (or two for £4) Tesco” We all walk past the fridge full of ready meals in Tesco and peer in to see what's up, but nobody is desperate enough to actually ever open the door and purchase one. Well, I am; plus I wanted to understand the treasures contained within the seldom-opened ice chamber surrounded by its muggy forcefield of misery. The first thing I noticed upon closer inspection was the heft which was largely in part due to the riot shielding they used for a lid. It took me a goo...

"I picked up the war-torn looking slabs of possibly repurposed chicken and bit into it..."

“£5.79-ish Select KFC restaurants (UK)” The biting winds cut into my skin like frozen razor blades as I dragged my feet one in front of the other down Baker Street. Tourists dot the pavement with their expensive cameras looking for any and all Sherlock Holmes inspired signs to take back with them and show their family and friends; a picture of something about someone who didn’t exist, a red bus, a London phone booth. I swung a left and pushed open an oily door to the finest fried chicken e...