"The black bean sauce that congealed the meaty bits tasted like a rubbery, battery-powered car accident"

“£2.50 (or two for £4) Tesco” We all walk past the fridge full of ready meals in Tesco and peer in to see whats up, but nobody is desperate enough to actually ever open the door and purchase one. Well, I am; plus I wanted to understand the treasures contained within the seldom-opened ice chamber surrounded in its muggy forcefield of misery. First thing I noticed upon closer inspection was the heft which was largely in part due to the riot-shielding they used for a lid. It took me a good few...

"I picked up the war-torn looking slabs of possibly repurposed chicken and bit into it..."

“£5.79-ish Select KFC restaurants (UK)” The biting winds cut into my skin like frozen razor blades as I dragged my feet one in front of the other down Baker Street. Tourists dot the pavement with their expensive cameras looking for any and all Sherlock Holmes inspired signs to take back with them and show their family and friends; a picture of something about someone who didn’t exist, a red bus, a London phone booth. I swung a left and pushed open an oily door to the finest fried chicken e...

Chicken & Leek Pie £11.95-ish Le Pain Quotidien restaurants   “One of those, my good sir!” I gleefully pointed to the chicken & leek pie on the paper menu at Le Pain Quotidien then leant back in my chair with my hands now laced across my stomach. The nice waiter jotted down the table’s order and headed off to begin preparations while a content smile lifted my face as I looked out through the window. Nothing but a layer of glass stopping the bitter cold from aching my aging bones. My smile dro...

£11-ish St. John's Wood Popping up on the corner of the diabolically boring St John’s Wood highstreet is your run-of-the-mill healthy eating bullshit kind of place. Occupied with the occasional A-lister and twats in plaid shirts writing scripts (like the bellend in front of me), The Good Life Eatery is a magnet for creatives with Macs, stuck up vegans, and bored housewives that mindlessly stir their coffee and look out upon the middle distance wondering what would’ve been had they not just c...

£20-ish Gatwick Airport, London Jamie Oliver is a byword for healthy eating and those 15 minute meal shows he has on TV which only ever use that one single song over and over again. So why was it that I just had a plate of pure human shit at one of his franchised restaurants? For the princely sum of £14.50, you can get a burger and fries of which you’d expect it to be fucking amazing considering it’s A: from a chain that Jamie bloody Oliver stuck his name on, and B: a stupid amount to pay f...

£11-12ish Dirty Burger and Chicken Shop (takeaway) A new eatery just opened up in my neighborhood and instead of taking the risk of going there to be wholly disappointed in a foreign atmosphere, I decided on using a popular application to order a meal and have it delivered nice and soggy to my front door to be disappointed in the comfort of my own home. 30 minutes or so after digitally paying a kings ransom for a simple chicken burger meal it had arrived, as expected, nice and soggy. I won’...

£2.50-ish All good supermarkets After cupboards full of grainy, earthy type, paper-bagged cereals taking up precious room and making me look like a farmer who possibly gives a shit, I decided that it was about high time for a proper, nutritious breakfast. Something with bags of sugar so I can run amok for an hour afterwards and then slump in a corner, crashed out and useless for the rest of the day. So during my irregular trips to Tesco, I stopped and scanned the colourful part of the cerea...

Usual price for this area La Taperia - (El Nacional), Barcelona   Finding myself tired, worn-out, and in Barcelona, I decided that it was high time for dinner and after hearing reports of a one roof multi-restaurant bonanza, I just had to go. Located in the heart of the city, the fancy building boasts four restaurants and four bars to coax tourists and locals alike for the title of the city’s best hangout spot. [La-Taperia-El-Nacional-1-1170x780.jpg] Upon entering the establishment, you’re ...

"After a few business meetings around the Union Square area, The Coffee Shop drew us in with it's Siren cries to break fast"

$14.00 The Coffee Shop, Union Square, NYC Found yourself in New York during a cold ass day? Dreaming of the sunkissed beaches of Malibu? Well keep dreaming buster, and while you dream why not pop into The Coffee Shop in Union Square NYC for a California Wrap? Because it’s shit…that’s why. After a few business meetings around the Union Square area, The Coffee Shop drew us in with it’s Siren cries to break fast. We were greeted by your straight-outta-the-movies waitress complete with a disinte...

"As my eyes melted down my face I thought here is no way that anyone could ever enjoy having their face totally blasted off from the inside out via blistering heat"

£6.00 Café Caribbean, Old Spitalfields Market, London The other day I sat across a room and watched a friend of mine, Tom H, slowly morph from a man into a screaming fangirl over Jerk Chicken from a place called Café Caribbean. “Are you good with spicy food?” he asked. “No,” I responded, rather worried at the prospect of slowly shutting down internally due to fire damage. He proceeded to tell me that as the establishment was a small one, the spice levels in their cuisine varies from day to ...