Chicken & Leek Pie £11.95-ish Le Pain Quotidien restaurants   “One of those, my good sir!” I gleefully pointed to the chicken & leek pie on the paper menu at Le Pain Quotidien then leaned back in my chair with my hands now laced across my stomach. The nice waiter jotted down the table’s order and headed off to begin preparations while a content smile lifted my face as I looked out through the window. Nothing but a layer of glass stopping the bitter cold from aching my aging bones. My smile dr...

£11-ish St. John's Wood Popping up on the corner of the diabolically boring St John’s Wood highstreet is your run-of-the-mill healthy eating bullshit kind of place. Occupied with the occasional A-lister and twats in plaid shirts writing scripts (like the bellend in front of me), The Good Life Eatery is a magnet for creatives with Macs, stuck up vegans, and bored housewives that mindlessly stir their coffee and look out upon the middle distance wondering what would’ve been had they not just c...

£20-ish Gatwick Airport, London Jamie Oliver is a byword for healthy eating and those 15 minute meal shows he has on TV which only ever use that one single song over and over again. So why was it that I just had a plate of pure human shit at one of his franchised restaurants? For the princely sum of £14.50, you can get a burger and fries of which you’d expect it to be fucking amazing considering it’s A: from a chain that Jamie bloody Oliver stuck his name on, and B: a stupid amount to pay f...

£11-12ish Dirty Burger and Chicken Shop (takeaway) A new eatery just opened up in my neighborhood and instead of taking the risk of going there to be wholly disappointed in a foreign atmosphere, I decided on using a popular application to order a meal and have it delivered nice and soggy to my front door to be disappointed in the comfort of my own home. 30 minutes or so after digitally paying a kings ransom for a simple chicken burger meal it had arrived, as expected, nice and soggy. I won’...

£2.50-ish All good supermarkets After cupboards full of grainy, earthy type, paper-bagged cereals taking up precious room and making me look like a farmer who possibly gives a shit, I decided that it was about high time for a proper, nutritious breakfast. Something with bags of sugar so I can run amok for an hour afterward and then slump in a corner, crashed out and useless for the rest of the day. So during my irregular trips to Tesco, I stopped and scanned the colourful part of the cereal...

Usual price for this area La Taperia - (El Nacional), Barcelona   Finding myself tired, worn-out, and in Barcelona, I decided that it was high time for dinner and after hearing reports of a one-roof multi-restaurant bonanza, I just had to go. Located in the heart of the city, the fancy building boasts four restaurants and four bars to coax tourists and locals alike for the title of the city’s best hangout spot. [La-Taperia-El-Nacional-1-1170x780.jpg] Upon entering the establishment, you’re ...

"After a few business meetings around the Union Square area, The Coffee Shop drew us in with it's Siren cries to break fast"

$14.00 The Coffee Shop, Union Square, NYC Found yourself in New York during a cold ass day? Dreaming of the sunkissed beaches of Malibu? Well keep dreaming buster, and while you dream why not pop into The Coffee Shop in Union Square NYC for a California Wrap? Because it’s shit…that’s why. After a few business meetings around the Union Square area, The Coffee Shop drew us in with it’s Siren cries to break fast. We were greeted by your straight-outta-the-movies waitress complete with a disinte...

"As my eyes melted down my face I thought here is no way that anyone could ever enjoy having their face totally blasted off from the inside out via blistering heat"

£6.00 Café Caribbean, Old Spitalfields Market, London The other day I sat across a room and watched a friend of mine, Tom H, slowly morph from a man into a screaming fangirl over Jerk Chicken from a place called Café Caribbean. “Are you good with spicy food?” he asked. “No,” I responded, rather worried at the prospect of slowly shutting down internally due to fire damage. He proceeded to tell me that as the establishment was a small one, the spice levels in their cuisine varies from day to ...

$3.80 Everywhere, NYC One of the best things about globetrotting is popping into familiar establishments and discovering the weird and different shit they have for that region. For example in South East Asia, McDonald’s have the McSpaghetti meal which is basically slop for when you’re so hungover, your mind and body are residing on different planes of reality. Where I’m from, we get the McViolence, McDrugDeal, and the family favorite, McUnprovokedAcidAttack. Anyway, this review is about Sta...

£5.29 Burger King I arrived back in London after popping out for super important business meetings and I found myself to be rather peckish. Unluckily for me, the only place I could sit down in at Marylebone Station was a piece of shit Burger King hole-in-the-wall with some greasy seats inside amongst the piles of trash and garden furniture outside, located in a wintery wind tunnel. After ordering the Bacon Cheese Chicken Royale and staring in awe at the stuck up bitch next to me, I braced my...