All Reviews

If cutting open a poached egg is like cutting open a baseball, you're probably in a place that sells tinned chicken

Black on black on slate-black

Looking like one of King Midas' test touches, the Eti Gold bar hummed the air with a sense of false opulence not too dissimilar to the "look, we too can bump gums with the upper-class" products like Nescafe Gold and every other shit with 'gold' added to their line

All of the marketing material on the walls lovingly stated how much your meal saves a planet’s worth of water by not watering cows or some shit, and how plant-based living is the best ever or something. I dunno, I didn’t properly read any of it

Along with the same ten Christmas songs on repeat and the burning cold of a misty London day, mince pies start their ascension from the depths of our collective memory to adorn every inch of prime retail-shelving estate

The sensation I got was the same as tipping out the bulging contents of an airline sick bag into plastic bread and calling it lunch.

Nothing about this item fell within the parameters of a panini

The black bean sauce that congealed the meaty bits tasted like a rubbery, battery-powered car accident