Poundland - Hand Grabber (by Funtastic)£1.00
Highstreets of the United Kingdom
For grabbing hands or a hand that grabs things, the Hand Grabber from Poundland is sure as shit not going to do any of that in a hurry. This bionic hand caught my attention from a distance when I bustled and heaved towards the toy section as the selection that surrounded it in the Jokes & Gags area wasn’t up to much; the usual fare of powdery Whoopee Cushions, black eye telescopes, disguised squirt guns, and other crap that will get you punched.
Made from cheap pale-Smurf-blue plastic and hanging there like a rack of limbs from a disused robot factory, I carefully took it to mine own hands as if it were a reforged ancestral sword gifted to me by a mage to aid me in some world-altering quest. I ran towards the checkout screaming in joy – I didn’t want to ruin the magic by trying this out in the shop or on the street, so I placed Terminator 1’s arm in my bag and scuttled off home, giddy with excitement. Let’s face it, who wouldn’t want a robotic limb to punch through walls and crush your foe with ease?
Upon arriving at my apartment, I whipped out the bionic arm and studied it if it were an ancient tome – studying it in hopes of gleaning some knowledge on how it will aid my life. Two Snickers bars, four packs of Chewits, a couple of bags of crisps, this was all I was thinking I could have spent my £1 on. The damn thing couldn’t do shit. I couldn’t pick up a glass of water, I couldn’t fire a gun, I couldn’t delicately trace it down the soft face of a princess without the Royal Guard punching me in the stomach…bullshit.
I had a look on Poundland’s website to see what they say about it, and after my eyes and mind became numb to the red £1 sign they have stamped all over the place (okay…I get it), I finally found my item. Now, according to my research into the label on my product, it’s either a hand grabber or a grabbing hand as we know; now it seems to be a device that grips robot arms, or a ‘robot gripper arm’ as they say in the description. As the screenshot below shows, we finally get an idea of the mischief one can get up to with this…and thats ‘steeling’ the remote control. ‘Steel’. That’s what it says, check it out.
I tried to make my household chores even more fun by substituting my right hand for this during the washing up. I broke 2 plates and dropped 3 cups. So much for being able to grip anything with this thing. Again, this was situated in the Jokes & Gags section of Poundland; I can’t help but feel that the joke is on me as I picture the fatcat owner of this chain of stores in a pinstripe suit, sat behind his oak desk, and flicking my hard-earned pound coin in the air laughing while chomping on a fine Cuban cigar.
As far as I can see, this toy serves no purpose other than familiarising your awfully unlucky child with that of the litter picking device that the council use to pick up your shit that you throw on the ground. Way to go, asshole.