Kawaii Assistant by Tomiko StudiosiOS
Hayao Miyazaki, Nintendo, tentacle porn, and now this little gem from Japan… Tomiko Studios’ Kawaii Assistant.
Purported to be an alternative to Apple’s Siri (it’s really not), Kawaii Assistant is your very own Japanese secretary, right in the palm of your hand. She’s supposedly able to take notes, remind you of shit, and do other stuff that a secretary does.
Okay, time to get my new assistant to start working for me. As soon as I open this damn app, I’m forced to wait for 30 seconds and endure this advert for some crappy store. My secretary has only been working for me for less than a minute, and already she’s dropping Christmas hints. Oh hell no.
3…2…1…annnd I’m in…
Oh f*ck this shit. I seriously need my personal Japanese assistant to help me organise my life, and all I’m getting is buggered by the dong of ridiculous marketing. But hey, I was feeling lucky so I tapped the screen to see if I was deemed worthy enough of whatever it is they were giving away.
After a series of insultingly easy questions, I aced the quiz (see dad, I am clever) and was offered a chance to enter some prestigious draw where I could win an iPad.
No, I thought, my newly hired secretary is sure to have one. I declined their offer of them taking £4.50 a week from my bank account and pressed on.
Finally. My assistant. Sat bolt upright in a small hotel room cupboard, ready to fix my life, affirming my decisions with her mousy voice. I skipped the intro and did what everyone with a new app does and tapped the screen like a man possessed. Below are the results:
After cleaning off the fingerprints from her face, ‘Suki’ is back, with her broomstick spine and 45 degree angled legs.
By this point, I can’t help but think that the location used for this film shoot is actually a hotel room filled with props.
This app is made up of clips of this poor young girl, whom I imagine had the ‘director’ telling her to express disdain, undervalue, and sheer sadness…although I’m sure that none of them were acted. The more I used this app, the more I could see the sorrow in her eyes to be the realest thing I’ve felt since the death of Boromir in the Fellowship of The Ring.
I was feeling uneasy, so I decided to play ‘rock, paper, scissors’ with her to cheer her up.
My first go and I f *cking destroyed her by choosing paper. – seems like this girl can’t catch a break.
The memo taking ability is, at it’s core, a notepad and the function where you ask her for advice yields the same 4 responses.
“I’ve a meeting with Mr. Smith tomorrow at 10am, put that in my calendar, Suki.”
“Maybe. I’m not sure.”
…Great work there, Suki. I’m glad I have you in my life.
Enough of this. I had to close it down due to the harrowing and dead stare of my assistant’s eyes, as if they were saying to me, ‘don’t call the police, I’ve already given up,’ but I pondered as to why this app that a 5 star rating out of 101 reviews.
As I suspected. Perverts looking for a cheap thrill. Heaven forbid any of these people actually getting a secretary one day, as they seem to think that sexy secretary scenes from a z-grade porno is a fly on the wall documentary.
A troubled toddler is better at taking notes, organising your busy calendar, and holding your calls for you, (note: this app was never meant to do 33.33% of what I just said) and on top of that, a heavy feeling weighed on me as I probed around the app, a feeling akin to a wrongly beaten captive, begging you for freedom while you know he isn’t the one you’re after.