I’ve decided to venture deep into the toy section of Poundland to discover the joy that surrounds it. As time marches on, I’ll be examining the products available so you can make informed decisions on what, and what not to buy your child when you remember their birthday at the last second.
Poundland – Stunt Skateboard (by Funtastic)£1.00
Highstreets of the United Kingdom
As mobile telephones get smaller, apparently so do skateboards. Back in my day a skateboard was precisely engineered layered sheets of heat treated wood and machine milled trucks attaching smooth ball-bearing rubber wheels for an almost cloud-like state of rolling zen before you smash your face on the pavement. Years and years later, and with Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 nothing but a wonderful memory and an earth-smashing (literally) misrepresentation of skateboarding and physics, I find that you can get these mini skateboards for what seems to be nothing but a waste of the planet’s resources.
I remember smashing one of my skateboards by hell stomping it in half after one of my many failed kickflip attempts and as it was a clean break in the middle, I removed the trucks from one half and attached it to the other, making a nose/tail only tiny skateboard. Oh how my friends laughed when I turned up the next day for some illegal town centre skateboarding, but my easily concealable board and I had the last laugh when the 5-0 came sprinting around the corner and arrested everyone at the scene*. Alas, this Poundland piece of shit isn’t made of wood nor metal (apart from the screws which would’ve had better strength if they were made from rolled up Kinder Surprise wrappers) but instead, made from a type of plastic called ‘shattering plastic’.
*Told us to move on.
The design on the underside of the board is rather perplexing; at the top it reads ‘Rabbit Skateboarding.’ Maybe I’d got it wrong from the start, maybe this was only meant for rabbits. It certainly makes more sense as it’s the right size and weight for a rabbit to scoot around the kitchen floor on…but as the greasy packaging stated, this was a stunt skateboard and I took that to mean for human beings.
One day I’ll find something there worthy of my Pound, but today is not that day
At the bottom, it exclaims ‘Chinese Zodiac – let the life burning infinite morale!’ Yeah, your guess is as good as mine. So clearly our rabbit friend there represents the Chinese Year of the Rabbit Zodiac, or it’s a Chinese rabbit shrouded in a thin veil of stereotyping saying that Chinese/Asians are good at maths, judging by the cloud of numbers and a pi symbol hauntingly escaping his textbook and the comfortable look on his face. Well guess what? I’m a Year of the Rabbit and although not Chinese, I am half Asian too, and 2+2=789, so eat that.
For a stunt skateboard, it’s incredibly light – almost a feat of engineering. I was sceptical at first, after all it only cost me a single Pound coin (312.71 Nigerian Naira), but nevertheless I had to test this bastard out so I donned my driest pair of shoes (warning: there’s no grip tape, so one can easily slide of the damn thing when attempting stunts) and gave it a whirl. I factored in the lack of two bolts per truck before deciding that a simple trick was all I was going to do. A trick I have done a thousand times before. One that’ll only net you 100 points on Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2…a simple, mini-version of the Pop Shove It.
As you would have guessed, it didn’t end so well. While attempting this simple trick, the bloody thing exploded almost back into its base compounds. I can’t figure out what this could be used for…it couldn’t even roll once pushed across a wooden floor – the wheels turned not once. Frozen, like my heart when I saw the carnage below.
Yet another piece of shit passed off as something truly useful from Poundland. One day I’ll find something there worthy of my Pound, but today is not that day.
None that I can be bothered to think of.
The packaging fell apart in my hands such as the blade that stabbed Frodo on Weathertop.
For my hard-earned cash I received an insult in plastic form.
Basically, everything about it is a con. Bullshit.